Tuesday, 19 December 2017

Jonghyun's Suicide Letter Sent to Sister & Nine9 Fully Translated

SHINee's Jonghyun committed suicide on December 18th in his apartment in Seoul. It was revealed he sent a suicide note to both his sister and Nine9.

The death of Jonghyun came as a surprise and shock to many, including his family. Coal briquettes were found burning in his apartment, strongly suggesting a suicide. This was later confirmed by his sister, who later on revealed she received a last text message from her brother.

It was also revealed close friend and artist Nine9 was made aware of his plans to take his own life. During the first hint of his plans, Nine9 attended his concert to make his family aware of his plans.

"Jonghyun sent her the letter a few days before his concert. Nine9 was so shocked [when she received the letter], that she notified us [immediately]," Nine9's agency states. "We didn't know what to do, so we attended his concert to inform his family about it."

Also Read: SHINee's Jonghyun Commits Suicide

Despite good intentions, the plan wasn't successful and Nine9 revealed his parents already knew about his suffering.

"Jonghyun's family already knew was suffering, so they tried to constantly be there for him," the agency stated. "After receiving the letter, Nine9 also kept in touch with Jonghyun more frequently."

The agency continued, stating on the day of Jonghyun's death, he sent a letter to both his sister and Nine9.

"Jonghyun said his last goodbye [via text] to his sister and Nine9 on the day that he passed away. His message was very similar to the previous letter he'd sent to the singer", the agency said.  "Nine9 and his sister called the police and found him, but it was too late."

Nine9 issued a statement on her own volition, it can be read in its entirety below along with Jonghyun's suicide letter.

"I had my final goodbye with Jonghyun

I can see his smile from the portrait picture in the morgue, and it still seems like Jonghyun will come to me and smile at me as if it was a bad dream.

For a period of time, Jonghyun shared his inner dark stories with me.

He was struggling on daily basis.

When I suspicious of his emotional wellbeing, I let his family know and tried to direct him to the right path, but in the end, it just delayed his final days, and it was not enough to stop him.

Still, I cannot believe that he is not in this world with us anymore, and it is very painful.

I was not sure Whether I should be posting his will or not, still contemplating in fact, but Jonghyun asked a favor to release his final words if he leaves this world behind.

I was really hoping that this day would not come…..

After I discussed this with his family, we have made a decision to release his written will.

There must be a reason why he had left this with me.

I know that this would ignite some controversies, I know that he had thought of that already when he passed this message to me, this is for me to grant his last wish, so I made a decision to do what he asked me to do.

I really hope that everyone finally knows that Jonghyun was not alone, and I also wanted to say thanks to him and that he had done really well.

Please tell him that he did good, and a job well-done, and thanks for enduring his pain til now.

Beautiful Jonghyun, I love you lots and I will continue to love you a lot.

Please don’t get hurt and rest in peace up there."

From there on out, Nine9 left a transcribed message of his last will and letter - which is translated by Koreaboo.

"I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it. 
I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me. 
Only I.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
From myself.
From you. 
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist. 
I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain. 
They scolded me not to do this.
Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I have done nothing wrong. 
When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.
But I should live on anyway. 
I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours. 
Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?
I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life. 
Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny. 
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye."
Our hearts go out to his family and friends. May he rest in peace.

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